Here, Eat This! The Adventures of Kiki Maraschino

Jane and Michael Stern coined the phrase Roadfood over 30 years ago to describe food “from the highways and byways”, or as they put it so succinctly at a recent roundtabe, Roadfood is food “that is true to itself and true to its location.”. Regular contributors to Gourmet magazine with a series of successful books under their belt and an almost cult-like following on the web, the Sterns now have a talk show on NPR.

Michael Stern took some time out from the New Orleans Roadfood Festival to talk about Los Angeles Roadfood, greasy eats, and one of his favorite guilty pleasures.

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The fais-do-do was held at The Bayou Barn, a giant barn in Baritaria. There was boiled shrimp, potatoes and corn, bread and jambalaya on the main buffet. The spices had plenty of time to soak into the shrimp, so it was very flavorful, even though it’s harder to peel than crawfish.

There were boiled crawfish, which could have used a little more spice, but were tender and delicious. I think they were turning the later batches over so fast they weren’t as spicy.

I had the most fun throwing the live ones to the gators that lurked at water’s edge, waiting for a handout, no pun intended. One woman sidled up to me and said, “They can run faster than you can, you know.” But they can’t make fast turns, so remember that if you are ever being chased by an alligator. And they can’t climb trees. Or drive cars. Or shoot guns. Come to think of it, I am way scarier than a gator.

Crawfish have many uses. Like freaking people out.

The setup:

The attack!!!!

There was also a pig roasted over green oak. I didn’t know green wood burned, but what do I know. The pig was 2 years old, had been cooking since 6am, and his name was Fred. The meat of the cochon de lait was sweet and succulent. It may have been my favorite thing on the menu.

Fred

There was a zydeco band, dancing and fun.

They had a Roadfood jingle contest. We were supposed to work in groups, but between eating, drinking, playing with alligators and chasing people around with live crawfish, time got away from me.

Bob wrote this one up on the spur of the moment:

Crap fast food just ain’t for me
Tates like the floor of a factory
And Ronald McDonald you’re no friend of mine
‘Cause I like food thats made by hand
From the salt of the earth
and the fat of the land
Get some Roadfood, and Buddy, you’re doin’ fine

I tried some “swamp water” which is made from lots of alcohol, orange juice, pineapple juice, and I swear to God, snowball syrup. As the buses drove us back through the dark swamps, I was grateful I didn’t discover the swamp juice until the very end of the night.

SWAMP JUICE

Orange juice (2 quarts)
Margarita mix (1 bottle)
Peach Schnapps (1/2 bottle)
Malibu Rum (1/2 bottle)
Pineapple juice (2 quarts)
Triple Sec (1/4 bottle)
Vodka (to taste)
Praline flavored snowball syrup concentrate
Blueberry flavored snowball syrup concentrate

The Roadfood Report

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We stopped at Hansen’s Sno Bliz for shaved ice treats. What’s the difference between a sno cone, a sno ball and a sno bliz?

According to Chow.com, a snowball is defined as “hard, crunchy, grated ice is doused with moderate amounts of syrup…” A sno ball “looks like a snow cone but feels more like actual snow than hard ice chunks.” It is often topped with condensed milk.

Sno Bliz is the home of the sno ball, where they invented the machine that shaves the ice into flurries as light as air. They still use the original machine.

At Sno Bliz they layer ice and syrup to make sure the ice is fully saturated. When I asked the difference between a snowball and a snow bliz, they said, “well, it is our brand name.” They also have a flavor called “bliz” that most people liken to tart strawberry. I love that they have a size called “baby duper”.

There are special flavors including “cream” flavors, “plain” flavors, and “tart” flavors, including cream of almond, cream of marshmallow, cream of blueberry, spearmint, banana and bubblegum. To make it simple for the Roadfood special event, the choices were narrowed to only three: Strawberry, Tart Satsuma and Cream of Nectar.

I chose the “nectar” flavor because it was new and exciting. They could only describe the flavor to me as “sweet”. It was similar to cream soda. Bob ordered the satsuma, which was so startlingly tart it made you gleak. You could order it with or without condensed milk. Almost everyone chooses the condensed milk.

The Roadfood review

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OK, there IS a story behind this… Michael Stern of Roadfood

After the second line parade, the festival was all about the food. There were Budweiser booths, and the following participants (I checked off the ones I ate over the course of the weekend with an X):

Lasyone’s Meat Pie Restaurant
Meat Pies X
Crawfish Pies X

Dunbar’s Seafood
Famous Fried Catfish X
Potato Salad X
Pralines

Cafe Reconcile
White Beans
Banana Foster Bread Pudding

Vaucresson
Creole Hot Sausage Po-Boy
Creole Crawfish Sausage Po-Boy X

Saltwater Grill
Fried Green Tomato Shrimp Remoulade Po-boy
Crawfish and Spinach Boat

Tabasco Country Store
Jambalaya
Gator on a Stick
Pralines

Plum Street Snowball
Snowballs X

Deli at the Cellars
Shrimp Remoulade Po-Boy

The Que Crawl
Cochon de Lait Po-Boy X
12 Hour Roast Beef w/ Horseradish Cream and Pickled Red Onions
Fresh Cut French Fries
Duck Cracklins X

Dave’s Cajun Kitchen
Seafood Gumbo
Smoked Turkey Legs
Red Beans with Smoked Sausage X

Chad’s Bistro
Alligator Etouffe Over Creamy Grits
Shrimp Pasta
Fried Shrimp Balls X
Fried Artichoke Hearts X

UNKNOWN:
Duck gumbo
BBQ shrimp and corn on the cob

Our first stop was Dave’s Cajun Kitchen for Red Beans with Smoked Sausage. Or maybe I should call it the cup o’ sausage. The entire sausage was a bit unwieldy for walking-around food, but still pretty darn good.

The crawfish sausage po’boy from Vaucresson was Bob’s favorite selection.

Even though we didn’t eat the shrimp, we took pics. I snuck in the second one piggybacking on Michael’s photo.

Frying up the meat pies

The fries that came with the meat pies were nicely spiced and perfectly fried.

The crowd was happy…a good turnout, but not so crowded as to be uncomfortable.

The Que Crawl, a local lunch truck also known as “The big purple bus” did not put its duck cracklins on the board, you had to know to order them “off the menu.” The cracklins were the standout of the festival for me, heavily spiced explosions of pure fat. The truck rocked, and not just because of all the cute boys working the truck.

Cochon de lait po boy with vinegar sauce and cracklins

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Saturday the 1st annual New Orleans Roadfood Festival kicked off on Bourbon Street. The festival was timed to coincide with the 3rd annual Oyster Jubilee, which began around noon with the assembly of the world’s longest oyster po’boy. Which begs the question, where is the world’s longest shrimp po’boy and can I have some?

While we waited for the festivities to start, we stopped in at Cafe Beignet for a wake-up. It’s no Cafe du Monde, but the coffee was good and the beignet were doughier, made with more of an egg batter.

Various local restaurants, from Acme to Galatoures participated, each building a portion of the block-long sandwich. Folks crowded around, and people with particular preferences made a point to reserve a spot near their favorite eatery.

I believe my first slice of sandwich was from House of Blues, and the second was from Zia’s or Acme, which also loaded their po boy with shrimp. I was impressed that it was a free-for-all, and they were not selling the sandwich. I was even more impressed that there was no pushing and shoving; no wild feeding frenzy. The crowd was polite and patient. In fact, they were friendly and as happy as could be.

The group second-lined down to the Festival, one block over on Royal for the Roadfood Fest. Coincidentally, the brass band was the Storyville Stompers, the same band from our wedding. So altogether, this is the third time we have second-lined with them. But the fun was just getting started!

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There is no music in the world that sounds like as much fun as a New Orleans brass band. The fun just picks you up and shakes you til you party!

We passed by the Praline Connection on the way down the street, and made the taxi driver stop so we could jump out. Serendipity. The main dining room was closed, but the attached shop had 3 tables and we grabbed the last one.

The coconut pralines (pronounced PRAWleens, not PRAYleens) were a little too sweet. The nuts cut the sugar a little better. I think we ate three of them overnight.

We shared a combination plate since we had already had crawfish a little earlier. The ribs, catfish and jambalaya were perfection. I ate all of the skin off of the chicken breast we were supposed to share and left just the flesh – it was that good. Good enough to screw over loved ones.

He was busy hogging the deep, earthy seafood gumbo to notice.

It was seriously some of the best food we ate in New Orleans, which is saying something. But I was also seriously drunk. I remember taking some pictures that aren’t on my camera card of the owner, Mr Curtis, and I remember chatting with him for awhile and finding out the secret to their heavenly bread pudding – crushed-up pralines and amaretto. Hell yeah!

I remember this band playing outside.

We went to a party at The Skull Club, Lord David’s after-hours place in a loft, complete with a speakeasy-style peephole. We had had a pretty long day by that time, so we only stayed for a few beers.

This guy had gloves with built-in metal claws. They felt really good when he scratched me with them, but then I felt kind of creepy and had to ask him to stop.

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Then we changed and headed straight out to meet the local Pyrates at where else?

We kind of missed the parade part, but met a lot of cool people

Including some hot chicks

This was the keg for some club. I forget what the name was other than it involved alliteration. They run and drink. It’s like a jogging/running group that pulls their beer along with them. They say the only casualty ever was a dog who wore out and had to be taken home.

This car was badass.

I was supposed to meet a friend of mine, but we could never manage to be in the same place at the same time. I don’t remember that much of this night. I made friends with one of her fellow derby queens, who I believe was named Scarlette Fever, and their announcer, Skip Foreplay.

They had a free crawfish boil, just remember to tip the cook. They had all kinds of fun things in their boil, even mushrooms. It was spicy without getting mushy.

Real women suck the heads

Then things got a little wild

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We knew that Friday we would be attending a big Pyrate Parade. What we didn’t realize was that it was part of a larger Pyrate Festival. From the first moment the elevator doors opened in or hotel it was stuffed with pirates until it was time to check out.

We went down to the Riverwalk to eat at Mike Anderson’s. Their catfish fingers and red beans and rice are memorable enough to brave the wall. It was a holiday, so a little slushy rum drink was a good breakfast option.

The red beans and rice were as good as I remember, but the catfish fingers aren’t quite as good as the old Bourbon Street location.

we were still a little hungry, so we checked out Messina’s. The temptation was great, but I did not steal the display food.

I love stuffed crab, which is almost like crab meatloaf. It differs from crab cakes by the addition of massive amounts of melted butter and milk. You often see it served in the crab’s shell or a tin version of the shell. But I like it in a po’boy. It didn’t hold up to Felix’s version, but it was still damn good.

We wandered in and out of the shops, and in one store I found my perfect lipstick. The women reading this blog will understand what a magical moment that is. But they were all out. Well they searched under the counters, and in the stockroom and under every rock. This counter girl was dedicated. Finally tired of searching, I bought another color. I asked her, “What would happen if the tester fell behind the counter?”

She said, “Well, we have ghosts you know. All kinds of strange things happen in this store.” So I switched caps on the lipsticks and became the lipstick phantom of New Orleans. I wore it this morning and it still looks fantastic on me.

At the fudge counter, I was heartened to see that the market cries of old are not extinct, although they may have gotten a little update:

We picked up some chocolate with walnuts and Praline fudge for later.

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OK when we decided to go econo for the first part of this trip, I chose our room based on its proximity to Mother’s. When I woke up at the crack of noon, that was our first stop for po’boys.

Kristina, I’m sorry, but I went for the pure debris instead of the ferdi (ham and debris). You know when you cook a roast for a long time, then cut it, then leave it in the oven to heat up, you start to accumulate little bits of meat at the bottom of the pan? That, my friends, is debris. One of the finest foods known to man. It comes soaked in the pan juices too, and is guaranteed to soak through the bottom of the bread

So I have developed the habit of flipping the bread over and eating the debris or Ferdi po’boy upside down.

We also got grits and a po’boy bursting with deep-fried jewels of shrimp.

We headed down to the Mississipi to check out the aquarium, but we were running late and instead went to an underwater 3-D movie at the IMAX. Because underwater IMAX is badass.

That evening we walked across the street to another Nawlins classic, the Bon Ton Cafe. There was a slight wait, so we chatted with the super-cool bartender. Later he came by our table and allowed me to snap a photograph of him. Only later in the meal did I realize that we had been hanging out with the owner, Wayne Pierce. Amazingly, Shalai, the same waitress as Kristina and I had befriended on the Ash Wednesday during my trip there four years ago served us again. Even more amazingly, she remembered us and pointed out the table where we had been sitting!

2005

2009

We absolutely had to order the crab gratin. It’s one of those dishes that you dream about as your plane lands. Like as soon as you think, “I’m going to New Orleans” your second thought will be, “I’m getting the crab gratin!” The thumb-sized crab hunks in a rich creamy sauce were begging to be eaten on crusty bread.

For dinner we split the T-Bone in a cabernet sauce. OK, most people go to the Bon Ton and to New Orleans for seafood. But I am telling you, that was one of the best steaks I have ever had in my entire life. Hang on everybody, I’ve got to click over to Expedia again right now!

For dessert we shared the classic bread pudding. It tastes like they just pour pure uncooked whiskey over the top. It is definitely not something one person can handle. In fact, this entire meal was a team effort!

BON TON CAFÉ’S BREAD PUDDING

1 loaf French bread
1 quart milk
3 eggs
2 cups sugar
2 tbsp vanilla
3 tbsp margarine
1 cup raisins

Soak bread in milk; crush with hands till well mixed.
Then add eggs, sugar, vanilla and raisins and stir
well. Pour margarine in bottom of thick pan and bake
until very firm. Let cool; tnen cube pudding and put
in individual dessert dish; when ready to serve, add
sauce and heat under broiler. Serve with Whiskey
Sauce.

Whiskey Sauce

1 stick of margarine
1 cup sugar
1 egg
Whiskey

Melt margarine. Cream the sugar and egg until well mixed. Add melted
margarine and continue to dissolve. Add whiskey to
taste which should make sauce creamy smooth

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Next to the tourist favorite, Pat O’Briens, the inconspicuous storefront of Yo Mama’s on St Peters is easily overlooked. The worn bar and comfortable wooden booths of this French Quarter institution make you feel like a local. The friendly servers, especially Leyla, reminded me of one of the reasons I love New Orleans. Even if you are not a local, you treated as if you were at least a regular.

The menu is mainly burgers, with a few hot sandwiches and salads. All of their burgers are 1/2 pounders and run about ten bucks. There is a quarter pound burger for 5.75 and a mega one pound burger for 13.75. I like foods with the word mega in the name. We were immediately excited by burger #8

Peanut Butter Burger with baked potato or side salad. Top your burger with peanut butter and bacon

Before you freak out, think about it. It has already been established that bacon and peanut butter are an odd but successful pairing. And you’ve had beef satay with peanut butter sauce, haven’t you? You know I ordered it. And it was fantastic!!! I ordered my burger medium, so the peanut butter didn’t melt and caramelize around the burger the way Leyla said it does on her well-done burger. Covered with a mountain of chopped smoky bacon, it is one of the best burgers in the world.

The huge fully loaded baked potato will also be popping up in my carb-laden fantasies as I go back to a sensible diet.

Other burgers on the menu that piqued our curiosity are the “Bullfighter”

Topped with avocado, jalapenos and salsa

and the “Burger Romanoff”

Sour cream and caviar make this very rich

Umm I have a note on the menu that this is Tim and Leyla, then there are a bunch of chicken scratches…so sorry third guy, I don’t have your name. It appears I wrote “Smarp up Pither A ! 3” and that just can’t be right.

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Wednesday our flight out of Burbank was delayed, which meant that we would be missing our connection in Dallas. After much furious typing on behalf of the counterperson, we were put on a different airline, and scored by getting bulkhead seats. In Dallas, it looked like the usual fast food stuff. We asked for BBQ and were directed to Dickey’s. It was like 20 gates away, but when it’s Texas BBQ vs. Wendy’s no distance is too far.

The other meats on the sampler platter were alright, but the brisket was oustanding. For sure get the brisket. I also loved the potato salad, which was kind of a surprise – I don’t usually like potato salad made with mustard and vinegar.

We got into New Orleans at 11pm, and it was midnight by the time we got into town. We checked into the Parc St Charles, which I booked for its low price of 69. a night and its proximity to Mothers. I could swear the desk clerk was on speed, or at least about 6 red Bulls. The room was decent, with a few touches of weird. At least it was quiet.

Our usual late-night place is Jumani, where we go for ass-pork sandwiches. If I may digress for a moment, I will tell you the story of the ass-pork sandwich. Delicate ears need read no further. The first time I ate at Jumani, it was on the recommendation of a cab driver. It was very late at night, or very early in the morning, depending on your perspective. On that first visit, we ordered pulled pork sandwiches. While we waited, I asked a patron if I could sit on the empty barstool next to him. He looked at me as if I had just suddenly appeared out of thin air, and he could do nothing but blink uncomfortably at me.

I looked around and I noticed that I was the only woman in the bar. I looked up at the TV and I saw a screenful of BARE NAKED ASSES. It was some kind of home video shot outdoors in a large crowd, comprised of nothing but naked ass after naked ass. In retrospect, it was probably a “Girls Gone Wild Mardi Gras Ass Fest,” but I was still innocent of such things at the time. I’m not a prude, but those asses weren’t just playfully wiggling. Those asses were up to no good.

I asked for our sandwiches “to go”. The aggravated bartender groused, “Why didn’t you tell me they were ‘to go’ before I started making them?!” I replied, “ Because I just now decided that I prefer my pork without so much ass on the side.” Well, as it turned out, those were the best damn pulled pork sandwiches we have ever had outside of Tennessee. We have returned to Jumani time and time again, willing to brave homemade porn just to get to those sandwiches.

I asked the taxi driver to wait while I scoped it out since it is also inbetween two of the skeeviest strip joints off Bourbon street. Ass pork was no longer on the menu, and the place was full of strung-out strippers so followed the advice we got from the doorperson at the Hilton and hit “Yo Mama” for burgers.

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